The Road to Nowhere

Vague but somehow accurate~

____

5:30am         Alarm

6:00am        Okaaay, I’m awake.

6:10am        Turn on the tv. MTV is on screen.

6:30am        Check laptop if overnight downloads are finished/prepare self.

6:45am        Eat breakfast/go to Sarabia for swimming practice.

7:00am        Lazy mode. Watch MTV or read an e-book/start swimming!

7:30am        Open desktop and print stuff.

8:00am        Shower time!

8:15am        Superman mode: changing into my uniform.

8:30am        Hmmm…/finished swimming.

8:45am        Ack! It’s almost time! Gotta hurry.

9:00am        Arrive in school.

9:10am        Still waiting for my students in the godforsaken room.

9:20am        Start the class.

10:00am        SSC transfer. Please, don’t let it rain!

11:00am        Where’s my last class for the morn?

12:00nn        I love this time of the day. Menu: siomai,banana-Q/rice,isaw/hmmm…

12:30pm        Start to feel dizzy and sleepy.

1:00pm        Ugh… the wait is killing me. Talk to my students.

1:30pm        Start class in the afternoon.

2:30pm        Last class for the day!!!

3:30pm        Fly to the moon! But it’s sooo hot nowadays. Grrr!

4:00pm        Still in school/at home/at Molo Supermart/out malling.

5:00pm        If at home, take a break.

5:30pm        Start walking exercise.

6:30pm        My poor feet… *sniff*

7:00pm        Dinner.

7:30pm        Read an ebook or surf the net.

10:00pm        Take a shower. Yes, i know. That’s why my eyes are already damaged.

11:00pm        In bed and still doing something with the computer.

12:00pm        Hmmm… I think I should download this…

1:00am        Sleepy…

1:30am        In dreamland.

Hello. I am bored so I made this little story (that I will still have to continue when I’m bored again). Kethry is the name of my fave book character by Mercedes Lackey. I’m an amateur storyteller and I’m lazy to proofread or even edit to make the story longer or better. Anyway, I’ll try to continue this one… lol.

____

Kethry is in love. Again. She had been pondering about her feelings and now she can really say she is in love. Smiling ruefully, she continued her task of emptying the contents of her bag.

“What are you smiling about?”, her roommate asked her. “You can’t possibly be thinking about him, are you?”

“Oh, no…”, Kethry’s voice trailed of when she met her friend’s eyes. “Yes, I am.”

She slumped on her bed and shrugged. “It’s happened, Shaye, and I feel stupid again.”

Faye sat down beside her and gave her a pat. “That’s alright. Just think about the tears that you’ll shed after a week or so.”

“Ugh…” She covered her face with a pillow.

“I mean really, Keth, is this guy worth it?”, her friend eyed her curiously.

Kethry shrugged. She didn’t know why and she doesn’t understand either. She thought she had enough of those crazy rollercoaster rides but then again, Cupid didn’t seem to hear her plea.

Kethry Vale, 24 years old and single, liked the idea of love and relationships but seemed to fail in hers. At first glance, she wasn’t your strikingly attractive girl that men would give the time of the day. She doesn’t possess a sexy body in today’s standards.

Sitting in her desk, she examined her face in a small mirror. The only thing that she was proud of was her eyes that people said were very expressive and her lips. Even when she doesn’t wear lipgloss, it still had its reddish tinge.

Kethry sighed and thought about her circumstances. For the last few days she has been trying to look for a new job. Nobody, not even her friends, could understand why she quit a job that paid well.

They don’t know it was killing me to just be there, Kethry mused to herself. No offense, she liked working but she just didn’t like to be abused.

She erased the thought and remembered her new predicament. “Shaye, how many times have I said I was in love?”, she asked Shaye, who was sweeping the floor with poor excuse of a broom.

“Keth, honestly, I can’t remember. But perhaps I can compare it to the number of seeds inside a melon.” Shaye can be very sarcastic at times but Kethry knew she could trust her.

Shaye stopped cleaning and looked Keth in the eyes. “By the way, you never did elaborate how you and that guy met. What was his name again?”

Kethry bit her lowerlip, pretending not to hear.

“Kethry….”, her friend demanded, waiting for her reply.

She slowly turned to face her friend and whispered, “That’s just it, Shaye. I don’t … I don’t know his name… but I’m in love with him.”

Shaye gave a small shriek of surprise and Kethry closed her eyes (and ears) when Shaye started rambling. Sighing, Kethry opened her phone and looked at her wallpaper. It was a photo of her and the stranger she was in love with. Not understanding herself and not wanting to hear anymore of her friend’s ranting, she quickly grabbed a towel for a nice warm bath.

I only realized the value of family after I graduated from University and tried to struggle with the realities of life. During the late stages of being a teenager, I still felt the angst and anger with regards to a certain family member. I had notions about fatherhood that he doesn’t seem to fulfill (and probably never will).I felt incomplete and needed something to make sense about my life. Thankfully, I was able to meet new people in University to make me forget about the shitty family circumstances. The only thing holding us together is Mom, who works her ass off just to provide us with good things that she wasn’t able to enjoy in the past.

In retrospect, I think I was still a passive teenager. I only took and took what was offered to me. I wasn’t really aware of the realities and simply had my knowledge based on theory. I wasn’t able to fully appreciate to the uniqueness of my situation compared to my other companions who had financial problems among other things. I would run away to the other dimension we call University life and leave all things behind in the city. Being away from home helped me to become what I am now. Still, I failed to appreciate what I had and I just complained to what I didn’t possess.

Now I am able to see clearly of what’s in my hand. Sure, I may have a unique set of family members but I think the situation is pretty common. Many of us Filipinos have family members that are OFWs. It is of course pretty much for our benefit. Even though there are negative effects for a family member to be away, working abroad and looking for greener pastures have become the ideals of majority.

The knowledge I hold now is dear to me. I treasure it because it was I who deduced the answer from every experience and every thought that crossed my mind when I was still a ignorant teenage kid. I know now that I had a small mind before, only accepting what I hold true and not entertaining the possibilities. Working my ass off to get the meager excuse of a salary made me learn a thing or two about life. Life is how we make it. It may suck big time but we can enjoy using our own means.

After University, I realized it is shameful to rely on my Mom’s support since her duty to me is already finished. That was what I believed. It is important to go into further studies and that is why I had to study again. Who would believe I had to do it? I am earning as well, only part-time, but it still is not enough. Now I realize why some people in other countries work from 9am-10pm.

Anyway, after being sidetracked, I’d just like to get my point straight. Family is family. We may have bad feelings or angsty notions but we have to face it. We just need to accept the situation. And while we are under the care of our parents, we need to prove our best. It’s a pity that knowledge comes too late for every teenage kid. Oh well, that’s the irony of life, I think. Wisdom only develops in a person after being sprayed with laughing gas and then tortured until you feel like dying. That’s life- we will always face challenges and it is within ourselves to find the strength to overcome such difficulties.

I believe we are not  alone, but I also believe we are alone in our journey towards the end. We are shaped by our experiences, our choices, our promises, our lies, our memories, our dreams, our lovers and many more. We are complicated beings capable of thinking logically and capable of going crazy over our emotions.

So my point is… I’m sleepy. I’m going to sleep.

08-22-09

3:22am

sadness is closing in
for the reason that i can’t bear the pain
and the feeling of loneliness
each time i hear the sound of rain

melancholy, that’s the word
a feeling that always disturbs the peace
and what’s left of me
creating turmoil and unease

how can i push through
another day in this mundane life
when all i think are questions
to which i answer with only sighs

listening to music does not help
for when the haunting melody
and strum of lonely guitars play
invites my friend, melancholy

often drowning in my own thought
i sometimes feel so lost and annoyed
by the things i have to do
and things i need to avoid

feeling the need to let go of something
is the thing that creeps into my mind
but each time i want to fee myself
i look back and my feeling rewind

how can i understand
something beyond my mere existence
where do i start again
for my life to make any sense?

each passing day is a burden gone
but the future is bleak in my eyes
for each morning i wake up is another day
nearer to the day i’m destined to die.

why do we point fingers? perhaps we want to justify our actions. as humans, it is in our instinct to defend ourselves, people close to us, our beliefs, etc. A few days ago, I got angry at somebody for some minor thing. I believe that minor things are important as well. If there is early intervention, those minor things will cease to happen in the future.

anyway, I got mad and made a great speech worthy of a… i dunno. after i calmed down, i realized i should’nt have stated my feelings that way. but it was already done. before i point my finger, i should’ve asked myself first if it was really worth the madness. until now, i carry the consequence of that action and i feel so stupid. someone close to me told me that bringing the past will never bear good things. how i wish to be an existentialist. however, i think that if we don’t take in the past, we will be bound to repeat the same mistakes all over again.

i am torn whether next time i will keep my mouth shut and keep my feelings to myself or confront the other party and prepare myself for some hard feelings. honestly, there is no one true way in dealing with things. there’s no one true way to live life. what can i do now? honestly, i wonder. still i wonder and still the answers won’t come.

i keep remembering
the strands of your hair
silently breathing
each time i touch them
the rise and fall of your chest
is like the blood
that flows through my veins
and my eyes would wander
from your face
then stop at your hands
gently i touch them
warm and soft
the feeling i cannot erase
raising it gently to my lips
and kiss
even when i hold nothingness
i envision touching
your sweet sleeping face
brushing the hair out of your face
and placing a gentle kiss on your forehead
i remember slowly walking
and closing the door
as i whispered
“goodbye”.

Some punks scratched my car tonight. Egads! Not just some lil scratch that I would’t care for. I was enjoying my night until that discovery around past 11pm. I decided to have it blottered but the police station was busy. Dad was pestering me to come home, so I did. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not scared oir anything because I didn’t do anything wrong intentionally. Only that, I’m thinking of the bill. My car just came out from the “casa” two weeks ago because my dad busted the left backlight and the trunk a few months ago. And here I am, having my own problems. I don’t have anybody to blame.

The target was the driver’s side since it was the part that was exposed. The scratches (there were 2 or 3 lines - that means the culprit had done it over and over again!) started from the headlight (yes, it too was damaged) running down the length of the car until the backlight. When I think about it, my meager salary cannot afford to pay for the repair. I hope rubbing compound works tomorrow. A much needed rest will help me (not) and then maybe i’ll go back to the police station (i want justice!) in the morning.

Let me try to justify the whole thing. I need to experience many things people said in order to grow up. Oh, I am so grateful but gosh,  why now? I don’t have money and I’m gonna quit my simple job in less than a month. What to do… *grin* I’m  23 years old but I need my parents’ help again.

It’ll take a while before I sit behind the wheel (even if it’s mine) and  enjoy. Maybe driving but parking? I need a good parking area, damn it! Hahaha.. It’s not my mistake but the car is mine thus, it’s my responsibility. I don’t know how I feel right now.i don’t know if this is karma working or something good to me. I’ll let you know soon when something good (or worse) happens to me.

Nowadays I am restless. I guess I’m back where I’m looking for my niche in the world. Two years or so have passed since I’ve been earning my keep. But really, I haven’t saved anything yet. Kinda sad, really.

It’s funny how I used to think like this and I’m back at the same point. I wonder if I really grew up in that span of time. Thinking about the future gives me the goosebumps. I’m scared but I know I gotta face the world.

I think about many things at the present. Things about my past especially. Where are my friends from back then? I usually ask myself what do I do with my life. I feel that I’ve lost contact to the people I hold dear. Maybe I changed. People changed. I really don’t know the reason but I can’t point fingers. Am I happy? I really don’t know. I think not but I have no complaints. Maybe I want something more but I don’t see beyond what I have now. Just semantics, really, but it takes much of my time during the day.

The world just keeps on turning and every I grow older. I’m not sure how to deal with this passing of time but I do hope I’m not wasting my youth. I want to go to many places and meet different people. I want to have new experiences but I am hindered by my circumstance as of yet.

Actually, I really don’t know what’s my point in making this entry. Only that I want to say that I have discontent in my life now and that I’m confused as to what I should make of life. Now I realize my entries (even the deleted posts before) are full of cliches but I can’t seem to be rid of them. My life is a cliche and I wonder how to make it interesting. Still, I can’t move because I don’t know.

This year, I have to urge myself again and persuade my mind to move despite not knowing where I’m headed. I have to. I’ll rot if I don’t make a move. If my life were a chess game, not moving would me I would never progress. I know there’s the possibiliy of winning… or losing in the game but I also know that I’d have to beging all over again.

What’s my point? I don’t know really. You think about it… or not.

I’ll be lying to myself if i said i don’t care
but I’m trying… trying.

Trying to wake up alone in bed
trying to cook for just one head
trying to smile and live my life
trying and trying to forget

I’ll be kidding if I said I don’t love you
but i’m dying… dying.

Dying each time you lie to my face
dying each time you say you love me
dying when i find out your lies
dying when you say you’re sorry

Trying and dying
I can’t escape
trying and dying
from your embrace
trying and dying
set me free
‘coz i’m tired
of your “i’m sorry”

tonight i look at the keyboard wondering what to write. i have so many things that i want to say. too many ideas flow in my mind, too many emotions bangin’ my heart that it would almost burst. too many things and yet i am left to wonder what it is i really want to say… how do i start? how should i end? what should i say?

i don’t know but… let me try this one:

()

*sound of the shower*

:looks at the cellphone, opens and checks the messages:

:browsing… browsing…:

:reads a message:

(to ****)

:eyes flicker over the next few messages:

*ragged breathing*

(cheat! betrayal! lies!)

*heart beating fast*

*shower stopped*

:he looks at me and the phone in my hand:

“what are you doing?”

“fuck you!”

“wait! let me explain.”

:struggles to stand but was trapped in an embrace:

“love, let me exp-”

“i don’t give a damn fuck!”

“hush…”

:struggles, squirming, gasping, crying:

“you take me for a fool?! damn! let me go!”

“i will never let go.”

“this is a joke! right? right?”

“no… no.”

“please, i beg you! let’s stop… please. i’m gonna die… let’s stop this… i’m wasting my years on you.”

“no you’re not… i promise!”

*more struggle*

:hits the wall with her fist, thrice:

“how many times do i have to die, for you to be satisfied and just look at me? tell me!”

“…i love you!”

“fuck you!”

:squirming, kicking, tears streaming down her face:

“please, let me explain…”

:tired feeling:

“what else is there to explain? you’ve done this many times…you liar.”

“i have  a reason… this is the only way for me to see my baby.”

“fuck you and your excuses. i’ve heard them before. know what, if you want them, go to them! don’t let me be a hindrance to your fucking relationship.”

(tears started again)

“you’re not…. you’re no trouble. i love you.”

“but you’re my problem! can’t you see that?”

“that’s what my mom said too”

“and she’s right!”

(more struggling)

:please:

“let me go.”

“never.”

(silence)

:looks up the ceiling, breathing hard:

“it’s over. i can’t believe anything you say.”

“i love you.”

“you said that before but still lie to me. it doesn’t mean shit to me. your love is bullshit.”

:tightens hold:

“please wait for me… just for a few more months.”

“it’s been years and yet nothing changed. i can’t wait anymore.”

“baby, let’s run away from this place and start a new life. i promise you i’ll hold your hand in public and let people know you’re my baby.”

(silence)

“baby?”

“it doesn’t matter. i’ve had it. your words are just words. you never mean anything you say. i can’t and will never believe you. don’t you dare blame me. you made me this way.”

“… i’ll always love you.”

“it doesn’t matter. you love anyone who loves you. well, i’m sorry. i can only take so much.”

“…”

:bitterness:

:sadness:

:betrayal:

:freedom:

:release: