Prevaricator
tonight i look at the keyboard wondering what to write. i have so many things that i want to say. too many ideas flow in my mind, too many emotions bangin’ my heart that it would almost burst. too many things and yet i am left to wonder what it is i really want to say… how do i start? how should i end? what should i say?
i don’t know but… let me try this one:
()
*sound of the shower*
:looks at the cellphone, opens and checks the messages:
:browsing… browsing…:
:reads a message:
(to ****)
:eyes flicker over the next few messages:
*ragged breathing*
(cheat! betrayal! lies!)
*heart beating fast*
*shower stopped*
:he looks at me and the phone in my hand:
“what are you doing?”
“fuck you!”
“wait! let me explain.”
:struggles to stand but was trapped in an embrace:
“love, let me exp-”
“i don’t give a damn fuck!”
“hush…”
:struggles, squirming, gasping, crying:
“you take me for a fool?! damn! let me go!”
“i will never let go.”
“this is a joke! right? right?”
“no… no.”
“please, i beg you! let’s stop… please. i’m gonna die… let’s stop this… i’m wasting my years on you.”
“no you’re not… i promise!”
*more struggle*
:hits the wall with her fist, thrice:
“how many times do i have to die, for you to be satisfied and just look at me? tell me!”
“…i love you!”
“fuck you!”
:squirming, kicking, tears streaming down her face:
“please, let me explain…”
:tired feeling:
“what else is there to explain? you’ve done this many times…you liar.”
“i have a reason… this is the only way for me to see my baby.”
“fuck you and your excuses. i’ve heard them before. know what, if you want them, go to them! don’t let me be a hindrance to your fucking relationship.”
(tears started again)
“you’re not…. you’re no trouble. i love you.”
“but you’re my problem! can’t you see that?”
“that’s what my mom said too”
“and she’s right!”
(more struggling)
:please:
“let me go.”
“never.”
(silence)
:looks up the ceiling, breathing hard:
“it’s over. i can’t believe anything you say.”
“i love you.”
“you said that before but still lie to me. it doesn’t mean shit to me. your love is bullshit.”
:tightens hold:
“please wait for me… just for a few more months.”
“it’s been years and yet nothing changed. i can’t wait anymore.”
“baby, let’s run away from this place and start a new life. i promise you i’ll hold your hand in public and let people know you’re my baby.”
(silence)
“baby?”
“it doesn’t matter. i’ve had it. your words are just words. you never mean anything you say. i can’t and will never believe you. don’t you dare blame me. you made me this way.”
“… i’ll always love you.”
“it doesn’t matter. you love anyone who loves you. well, i’m sorry. i can only take so much.”
“…”
:bitterness:
:sadness:
:betrayal:
:freedom:
:release:
