Ramblings
I only realized the value of family after I graduated from University and tried to struggle with the realities of life. During the late stages of being a teenager, I still felt the angst and anger with regards to a certain family member. I had notions about fatherhood that he doesn’t seem to fulfill (and probably never will).I felt incomplete and needed something to make sense about my life. Thankfully, I was able to meet new people in University to make me forget about the shitty family circumstances. The only thing holding us together is Mom, who works her ass off just to provide us with good things that she wasn’t able to enjoy in the past.
In retrospect, I think I was still a passive teenager. I only took and took what was offered to me. I wasn’t really aware of the realities and simply had my knowledge based on theory. I wasn’t able to fully appreciate to the uniqueness of my situation compared to my other companions who had financial problems among other things. I would run away to the other dimension we call University life and leave all things behind in the city. Being away from home helped me to become what I am now. Still, I failed to appreciate what I had and I just complained to what I didn’t possess.
Now I am able to see clearly of what’s in my hand. Sure, I may have a unique set of family members but I think the situation is pretty common. Many of us Filipinos have family members that are OFWs. It is of course pretty much for our benefit. Even though there are negative effects for a family member to be away, working abroad and looking for greener pastures have become the ideals of majority.
The knowledge I hold now is dear to me. I treasure it because it was I who deduced the answer from every experience and every thought that crossed my mind when I was still a ignorant teenage kid. I know now that I had a small mind before, only accepting what I hold true and not entertaining the possibilities. Working my ass off to get the meager excuse of a salary made me learn a thing or two about life. Life is how we make it. It may suck big time but we can enjoy using our own means.
After University, I realized it is shameful to rely on my Mom’s support since her duty to me is already finished. That was what I believed. It is important to go into further studies and that is why I had to study again. Who would believe I had to do it? I am earning as well, only part-time, but it still is not enough. Now I realize why some people in other countries work from 9am-10pm.
Anyway, after being sidetracked, I’d just like to get my point straight. Family is family. We may have bad feelings or angsty notions but we have to face it. We just need to accept the situation. And while we are under the care of our parents, we need to prove our best. It’s a pity that knowledge comes too late for every teenage kid. Oh well, that’s the irony of life, I think. Wisdom only develops in a person after being sprayed with laughing gas and then tortured until you feel like dying. That’s life- we will always face challenges and it is within ourselves to find the strength to overcome such difficulties.
I believe we are not alone, but I also believe we are alone in our journey towards the end. We are shaped by our experiences, our choices, our promises, our lies, our memories, our dreams, our lovers and many more. We are complicated beings capable of thinking logically and capable of going crazy over our emotions.
So my point is… I’m sleepy. I’m going to sleep.
08-22-09
3:22am
