A Story
Let me tell you a story.
Once upon a time, a little girl was born into the world. She was the gem of her parents. She grew into to a cute toddler but had a spoiled personality so she was given a younger brother.
When she was in elementary, she only had few friends and most used her goodness for their own purposes. Having no choice, she stuck with them until she reached high school. In high school, she wasn’t very popular but made good social relationships and never had conflict. She was a tomboy back then and didn’t care much about her own feminine virtues. High school came to pass and she entered university.
Her first few years was a blast. She enjoyed her course and met new friends. She was happy. But as months passed and her eyes slowly opened to the realities of life, she became lonely. She saw a lot of couples and was a little jealous. She also wanted some romance in her life and that’s when she found release with her cellphone. Chatting was the fad back then. Although she knew it was a waste of money, she was compelled to do those things.
She wanted to be a “girlfriend” and wanted a boy she could believe in. Romance was too high up in the air and she was so optimistic. After a few failed relationships due to virtual or unrealistic foundations, she finally met her textmate. Actually, she liked him before she met him in person. There was something about his voice when they talked over the phone that gave her the goosebumps. He was interesting she thought. They have been exchanging messages, talking over the phone during late nights and talked about things she would never dream of telling her parents.
She met him and she was lost. She tried to calm herself that she was just a friend. That was convenient wasn’t it? No strings attached, no expectations, no problem… or so she thought. The moment he held her hand, she knew she was in deep trouble. Despite the facts, she went against the majority’s opinion and had a fling. It was a great time but full of depressing moments. She was in love with the wrong guy. She knew that but still couldn’t bear to let go.
She only decided to let go when Pity became her constant companion. He suddenly stopped contacting her as sudden as he had appeared in her life. She knew the reason and damn if she wouldn’t say goodbye. She said her goodbye(s). It was difficult. Each time she wanted to be just acquaintances, he would suddenly reach out and grip her heart. It took three months for her to really keep her stand.
Two years passed. During those years, she had encounters with her love. Some intentional and some by accident. She tried to smile during those times but it was impossible. Each time she smiled, she wanted to run and cry her heart out to the sky. He would reach out but she pushed him away. It was like asking for trouble again, something she didn’t really need at that time.
She had recently broken up with her one-year boyfriend. It was just a proof that she could maintain a relationship for a long time. But that boy wasn’t worth it so she dumped him after a year. It was this time that he appeared again in her life. She was tired of keeping a grudge and decided that perhaps it was time to be friends again.
They made an appointment. It was a movie date. That was a grave mistake for after that, he consumed her mind. She was insane and she knew it. She tried to reason with herself. She can do it, she can understand, she can accept whatever it is that comes with loving him. She knew, after that first date, she had never stopped loving him. She had just made excuses for herself to hate him. That truth was a little hard to accept. She had been labeled crazy, foolish and plain stupid by her friends. Now she had the burden of having to defend her choice.
The first few months were like a dream. They had great times and very sweet moments. She fell in love each time they saw each other. He was just too adorable in her opinion. Despite his rugged looks, she knew there’s a complicated but good man under the mask. She loved him and loved him long despite the bad things that began to happen. Her worst fears became reality. She couldn’t really grasp what was happening. She was too wrapped up in her fantasy that when reality knocked on her door, she was devastated. And she thought she was strong enough.
A lot of problems arose. A lot of painful memories outnumbered the good times. She asked herself if it was worth the sacrifice. She would often lay awake at night and cry herself to sleep with her depression. She felt so sad and so alone. Is this love? she would often ask. Love asks for nothing but it hurt to think that she was the only one doing something. She knows he loves her but she also knows it wasn’t enough. Despite his reasons, she couldn’t see his efforts and she was starting to lose hope in their relationship. She was starting to doubt men in general.
It needed a few breakdowns and long talks until an unsaid truce was made. He showed efforts and she gave back. Now, it had been more that a couple of years. She still cannot believe that it lasted this long. Yet, she was thankful. She grew up a lot during those years. She developed from a naive into a mature woman. She still has her negative sides but that is normal. Nobody is perfect.
Nowadays, she takes life slowly. She enjoys her life and tries not to think about the problems. Sometimes she thinks her problems are minute compared to the world’s. She tries her best not to create problems to other people. She tries her best to give her all and not ask for return. She only hates that feeling of being alone even with the man she loves. Is it too much to ask, she thought, to dream of a little romance? Is it too much to publicly show one’s love? She thinks that it is a game for him since her relationship should be hidden. She wants to hold his hand in the mall but is afraid that he will take it away. She wants to hug him badly but is scared that he will look at her with a cold stare. She wants so much to be the bubbly person that she is but she seems to fail. I am lonely, she thinks. I do not know what I am to you, she silently says to his back. Why don’t you look back to see if I am really following you? she thought. Are you really sure that I will follow? her heart cried. She only wanted a little bit of romance. A little bit of appreciation. A little bit of something that would make her feel like a lady, showered with love by her knight and gentleman lover. She only wanted little things but she couldn’t say it well. I know it will seem petty, she thought. But was it so hard? She hurt inside. She hurt to look too strong and independent when in fact she wanted to run to his arms and hide from the world. She hurt to smile when in fact she was tired of many things. She wanted comfort that only he can bring. She only wanted a bit of consideration.
Sometimes she thinks he doesn’t deserve her or her love. She sometimes thinks he is weak. She sometimes thinks it is best to just let go. Each time, she knew it was rational. And yet, she would think again and smile at the thought of him. He makes me feel so right, she thought. The good memories would slowly pop one by one and her idea to run turned to ashes. She would endure but she hoped he would understand her. She wasn’t asking for much but a little love. Not sex, not money, not material things, but a hug, a whisper, a caress, things that showed he cared. She understands his situation so she will not pressure him but instead treasure him, support him and do her best. She will gladly give it all for the sake of a little lovin’. Is it too much to ask? she asked herself and the night sky. She is only human and she never was an expert in love or human relationships. She can only hope and pray and do her best. She can only try to do what she can with love and pray that these things will see things through.
She loves him. She had always and will always love him. She will not forget. She chose him. She hopes he knows that. She hopes he knows that she will not stop him from going if he ever wants to leave. She understands him because she loves him. She will support the dreams he has for himself. She will cherish the link and she will just breathe until she herself will find a niche in the world.
She loves him.
I love you.
